This week has been intense, to say the least.
A friend that I work with lost her mother on Sunday. This happened less than one week from my friend’s birthday and from a surgery which they were told would be simple and something her mother would bounce right back from. Except her mother didn’t bounce right back – she actually coded on my friend’s birthday – it’s been a horrific week of decisions no adult child is ever really prepared to make.
And I’ve been here holding down the fort, getting the work done, talking to her on the phone and just wishing I could somehow ease her grief.
Another friend learned that her debilitating back pain is actually because of a tumor, which is cancer and has spread. Her symptoms only began this past August! Friday we learned it is stage 4… How is this possible? How is this incredibly beautiful, kind, wise, brave and giving soul facing possible death so suddenly when she has two young children to raise on her own?
This is a cosmic injustice.
I am shaken to my very core by these events.
On the 3rd, in the middle of a full moon ritual, I found my child self screaming and begging me to call my first abuser, my mother. I didn’t want to. (understatement)
And yet many months ago, again while in a full moon ritual, a sacred promise to do whatever I can to help little Kate learn how to trust adults. I promised her that I would be an adult she could trust and that from this she would be able to learn how to trust others.
So I called my mother.
Sobbing told her I wanted to try again, I told her that things have to be different this time and that I wasn’t letting her off the hook for the nearly 3 years of silence and the lifetime of crap between us. And I told her that I wanted to try again.
She said ok.
And little 6yr old (or is it 8 or 10 or 13yr old) Kate jumped up and squealed for joy.
…(note: she then shrank back down because she knows mommy doesn’t like it when she’s loud and hyper, and I reassured her that being loud and hyper is ok – it’s always going to be ok to be loud and hyper when you’re overcome with joy)…
My wiser, more cynical current self reminded little Kate that this is her mom’s last chance and that the adult Kate gets to decide if it works or not.
Little Kate just keeps dancing around the house happy to hear her mommy’s voice again.
Holy shit and I can’t stop crying thinking about my friend, and her two boys and the terror of being afraid she might leave them so young and the terror of just how to pay the rent now that she can’t work and Oh.My.God/dess this is all so fucking unfair…
To say this week has left me emotionally spent is a stupid understatement. It’s also the truth.
Thursday night my body collapsed on me. Friday was spent in bed, sleeping, praying, meditating. Saturday has been much of the same – chronic illness doesn’t really leave me a buffer when shit hits the fan – my body can.not.deal with this much additional stress and yet I am NOT the one with cancer and I will find the will and focus to rest enough, to recover enough, to continue working and creating because I owe it to all that is holy to do the sacred and mundane work I am meant to do and it is through this work that I will earn the money to share with my friend, to help in however small or big ways I can to ease her burden – to buy a meal, hire a housekeeper?, just send fucking money through Paypal to help ease money stress for her…
Dear God/dess this is all so unfair and won’t somehow please wake us all up and tell us she is well and this isn’t happening to her?!? Please… let her heal and let her raise those beautiful souls to adulthood, to get to see them graduate college, fall in-love, get married and make her a doting grandmother?… please…
Life is short and precious and as I write I think of how fleeting our lives.
So, I’m gonna send whatever money I can and visit to clean her bathtub or brush her hair or just to sit and be in community with her. And I’m gonna keep loving the people in my life and praying to whoever it is I’m praying to that my friend will live a long, long time and I’m gonna cry and write and keep working on being a trustworthy human,
even especially for little Kate.
Yeah, I’m especially gonna keep showing little Kate she can trust me and I’m gonna keep working and resting and creating and crying and loving.
Because life goes on, until it doesn’t.
Today, in honor of these beautiful brave women, please treat yourself with extra kindness, please be mindful of the gift life it, even when it’s really fucking hard, it’s still an amazing thing to be alive. I’m glad I’m alive, I’m glad you’re alive and I’m glad we are connected in this way. Please treat yourself with care, you are worthy of it.