Somewhere around my 37th birthday my anxiety found it’s way into a space I lovingly refer to as ‘remission’. And shortly there after my body realized it didn’t have to be on guard all.the.time. It could finally rest. Which actually looked like complete and utter exhuastion, bed ridden for days on end.
A couple months into this head scratching and frustrating immobility, my naturopath looked and me and said “your adrenal curve is the worst I have ever seen…” Severe adrenal fatigue.
Something needed to change.
After years of healing my intense anxiety and depression, boundaries had slowly found their way into my world. Shifting it one step at a time. The day I got my diagnosis, I sat with a pen and paper writing what my life needed to look like in order to heal.
This is what I can do going forward, and this is what I can no longer do. To own it and bring it to my partner without fear was rebellious in and of itself. To not back down and make everything better for everyone else…that was a big step forward. It wasn’t well received, but I knew my body needed to be seen and honored. And I stood my ground.
I love meeting new people, hearing their stories and learning new ways to be in the world. As 2017 began I booked a call with a coach I had followed on Instagram for awhile, fascinated by her way of showing up. As we chatted I shared my story and asked to hear hers. Back and forth, similarities emerged. “You’ve always been the good girl, haven’t you?” she asked. Yep…nailed it. Oldest of 5 kids in a very Catholic family. The next words that she spoke forever altered my life.
“It looks like you’re going through your rebellion now, but a sacred rebellion.”
My breath caught in my chest and the world paused for a moment.
What would that look like, how would that rebellion express itself? It had already began with my list, my boundaries, owning what I needed to heal. Where would it take me next?
Piece by piece, I made choices that weren’t always the easiest but felt the truest to me. Committing to 3 months of Understanding Men with Alison Armstrong before I made a decision about my marriage. Signing up for a new women’s circle called “Reclaiming the Seven Sins“…which felt like the perfect rebellious choice. When it got uncomfortable, I took a deep breath. Is this fear or is this the scary next right step?
Slowly learning to trust myself, which felt like the most rebellious act of all, I made each choice a sacred one.
Honoring my boundaries and my body. Another call, this time with the seven sins coach from our girl gang. And she sent my head spinning in a way I never thought possible.
As I rambled on explaining my life to her, she heard a common theme as I spoke. And she called me out. “What does ‘for all intents and purposes I have a great life‘ mean to you? Because you said it three times in the last three minutes.” My jaw fell open. Stunned. Had I really said that?? And what did that mean?
Over the next couple days, pen and paper in hand, I realized what the end of that statement was. “For all intents and purposes I have a great life…for someone else.” Tears streamed down my cheeks as the truth of that sank in. Guilt for not being grateful and wanting something else being washed away with each tear drop.
I wanted freedom. And laughter. I wanted safety and respect. I wanted simplicity and drama-free. I wanted joy and ease and love. I wanted play and fun and all of the sex.
I had a great life.
But it wasn’t the life for me.
What happens next is messy and hard and heart wrenching. A marriage ending. Hearts broken and triggers flying. It was also powerful and courageous and life altering. A strength I’ve never know flooded through me. Support from women I’ve never laid eyes on held me so tight and walked beside me. The next step in my sacred rebellion was to walk away from my entire life, walking towards the promise of a red door and my new life. Trusting that I wasn’t alone and this was the next right step.
Waking up in my new home that first morning, my eyes opened and blinked as I looked around. ‘It was all just a bad dream.’ The thought flooded every cell. It was as though the last decade had been nothing but a bad dream that I was finally waking up from.
I know that I consciously and willingly made every single choice that lead me down that original path. It was the path I was expected to take, and I took it. My anxiety tried to warn me. And then my body finally stopped in it’s tracks so I would finally shut up and listen.
Rebellion : the action or process of resisting authority, control, or convention.
I took the conventional path. Twice. Determined that I was going to make it work no matter what. And somewhere inside of it I almost died. Body mind and soul. And then my sacred rebellion began. Instead of doing what I was supposed to do, I resisted and learned to hear what my body was trying desperately to tell me. Glennon Doyle’s voice in my head reminding me that I just needed to take the next right step. That was it. And trust in myself.
I write this snuggled up in the same space I woke up in that first morning almost 7 months ago. With tears in my eyes remembering the moment I woke up from that bad dream. I look around in awe of where I am now, still pinching myself to make sure I’m not dreaming. Living a life that only existed somewhere in my fantasy world. Yet I get to live it every single day. Grateful for the women who supported me in each and every step. And grateful that I never gave up on myself. My sacred rebellion taking me one step closer each day to becoming truly me.
growing up, I was always able to express myself most through the written word. I have journaled since I was able to spell, written a million letters and sent many very in depth text messages. my insatiable curiosity in this life has me constantly striving to learn and grow, understand and evolve. writing has allowed me to find my voice and go deeper inside, exploring my truths along the way. evolving and healing is my passion. here you will find my words, my inner thoughts, messy and raw as they might be…while i follow truth down the rabbit hole.