….cw: PTSD, suicidal thoughts, sexual assault/trauma…
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Today is my dog Luna’s birthday. She’s turned 8. These days the fur on the bottom of her chin is now more white than black. I wonder how old she’ll get to grow into.
Today is Tuesday, the garage truck is making it’s noisy way up the block – Luna is paying close attention.
Today is just days before the 12th anniversary of that night in Salem.
This week it has hit me so, so very hard, almost as if it’s making up for not capturing more of my attention last year. That was a blessing of the uLMS dx late last August, my mind was so consumed with the danger of my cancer it had hardly a moment to remember this anniversary.
Not so this year.
This year, this week, I find myself wound tight. As if my entire being is ready to fight or take flight to avoid remembering.remembering.remembering that night.
The other day, I read a critique of *The Body Holds the Score the other day that was basically saying the author had overreached in what counts as trauma when he widened his definition farther out than just those who have served in combat roles.
Like, what?
Seriously?!?
In this day-and-age “intelligent” people are still trying to convince themselves (and others) that trauma isn’t something that happens everyday, in the most ordinary of settings?!?
It’s disappointing.
Well, it’s disappointing and also dangerous.
It’s so dangerous for those who experience life-altering trauma(s). Those who have exposure to this person’s dis/misinformation may well end up gaslighting themselves into believing they are overreacting, that nothing really ‘that bad’ happened and then spend years or decades with nightmares and exaggerated startle responses and avoiding any-and-everything that triggers memories of the event(s) and intrusive thoughts/memories that they then try to drown out by drinking/drugs/addictions because to stay conscious to those intrusive thoughts/memories too long puts them in danger of unaliving themselves.
I rarely go a day without at least one intrusive thought/memory.
I cannot imagine how I would still be alive, much less sober, if I were under the false belief that what happened to me that now haunts me was not a trauma but I was simply overreacting. Staying alive and sober is hard enough acknowledging my truth.
I hope I’m wrong about the potential damage that man’s words might have/be having.
But I know for me, coming to grips with the truth – that a horrible, violating, terrifying crime had been committed against me – was a vital piece of the puzzle that has helped me stay alive and sober these past few years.
The truth is where our power resides – at least, that’s been my experience.
Radical acceptance is living within the truth of our experiences. I cannot imagine how we can heal, even if its just a little, if we lie to ourselves.
Later today, I hope to load Luna up into the car and drive her to McDonald’s for a birthday plain cheeseburger. I say hope because my PTSD, being this up front right now, may prevent that when I try to leave the house. But I hope it doesn’t.
For now, I’ve got the window open to autumn air and, now that the garbage truck is done and gone, the quiet of a mid-Tuesday-morning.
For now, I’m still and quiet and that will need to be enough.
. . .
*If you are a trauma survivor, The Body Holds the Score is NOT a book I’d recommend reading without therapeutic support. It contains graphic details of crimes that many of us find far too triggering to be safe to read.
