Leaning Into Ease To Fight Cancer

The last of my weekly cancer posts, at least for now…

“It is a cancer.”

The words no one wants to hear.

The words I heard my gynecologist say to me on that late August afternoon have forever changed my world.

Not only because facing cancer and, hence, our own mortality has a tendency to do that for many of us, but because the type of cancer I have will always be a specter, haunting me for however many years I have left.

Uterine Leiomyosarcoma is both incredibly rare and incredibly, terrifyingly aggressive. The more I learn about this cancer, the more the realization sets in that I’ll never be free of it and that, in all likelihood, it will be the thing that kills me. That’s not me being negative or dramatic – that is the truth of this cancer.

It is what it is.

And research is ongoing and I hold hope for a cure close to my chest.

But, for now, I need to step back from met self-imposed schedule of writing a weekly blog about all of this.

Who knows, maybe some weeks I’ll have something to say on it multiple times and will publish accordingly, and perhaps I’ll go weeks (or longer?) without typing out the words cancer or leiomyosarcoma. I’ve decided to follow my inner lead here, to lean into the ever changing winds of energy levels and mood ups & downs and hope that lives entangled with grief and despair.

There are so many hours now claimed to researching (treatments/support/financial support/physical support/emotional support/research trials/etc.etc.etc.) that I absolutely need to attend to in this new reality I’ve been thrust into. So many phone calls and appointments to manage – just this next week only I have the following appointments:

• Therapy
• Cancer Dietitian (virtual, thank goodness)
• CT Scan
• Follow-up with my gynecological oncologist (3 hour round trip)

That is a lot for a normal, able bodied cancer patient. I am living in a disabled body with moderate ME/CFS that requires more downtime both before and afternoons appointments to return to my baseline. Not enough downtime (for ME/CFS patients like myself this includes brain downtime) means a flare which also means a potential lowering of my baseline yet again – this is stressful to say the least.

Stress feeds cancer.

I intend to starve this bastard so that he doesn’t have the strength to return and drag me into hell with him.

So, one of the ways I’m seeking less stress is through less shoulds and more coulds if that makes any sense. For example, I shouldn’t write a blog post just because it’s been another week, even though I’m exhausted and feeling a need to rest. Instead, I could take that time and spend it listening to the rain outside my window while enjoying a cup of warm delicious French roast coffee with half & half.

I’m leaning into the ease of delight and wonder and joy and laughter. The ease of journaling when I want to, resting/napping when I need to, the ease of cooking in batches so I’m feeding my body nutrient dense yummy foods without expending energy to cook more than once or twice a week.

I figure (I hope & pray to I-don’t-know-who) that it helps my body heal and stay healed.

So, yeah, I’m leaning into ease as much as I can in my cancer journey.

Love,

Kat