I am afraid all the time.

thanks mom & dad… /s

I’m not joking – I am afraid all the time.

All.the.fucking.time.

Before I was born, I was already a victim of a horrifically violent act visited on my mother by my father and the terror and grief that flooded her in that moment, in those hours she lay alone in the back of their van, praying not to die, and in the weeks leading up to my birth.

Fetal trauma they call it.

It wires the brain to always on alert, always watching and ready for the next attack.

It is, by any definition of the word, profoundly unfair.

But it is what it is.

My brain was wired for fear before I was even born.

Thanks dad.

It has colored my every experience.

It tainted my growing up.

It has tainted my adult years.

It is profoundly tainting how I fear about dying one day.

Then there was the growing up with a bitter, disillusioned narcissist mother who resented me for the life she felt trapped within.

A childhood of confusion, psychological and spiritual abuse, of never fitting in, never knowing what was next, or what was real. A childhood spent learning that love means being always on alert for her short fuse. It meant learning that if she says yes today, tomorrow she might scream NO in a rage at the same request. It, also, was profoundly unfair.

The version of love I was taught growing up isn’t love at all — it’s abuse, but I couldn’t know that until decades later. I was, after all, only a child who was hungry and needy for love…as all children are.

Then, more trauma, more betrayals. But of course!

I mean, I was wired to feel ‘at home’ with people who were unkind and unsafe to be around.

Again, thanks mom.

I made it into my late 30’s before I had learned I deserved more — more kindness, more honesty, more respect.

It’s been a helluva ride ever since.

Add in some other trauma hits that left me with PTSD just to prove how unfair life can be.

These days, I’m still struggling, I’m still scared, and I’m working so diligently to heal. I am working every day to heal my soul, mend my heart and rewire my brain.

This work is not for the faint of heart and I pray/wish/hope that everyone who needs it will find their way to it.

I am still afraid.every.fucking.day — that may never go away.

BUT, I am also learning how to self-soothe.

I am learning how to discern perceived threats vs. actual threats – sometimes, when I’m very lucky that is.

I am learning how to say no, and how to say yes — and how to feel completely ok with either one.

But also, I live afraid, startling at my husband when he simply walks into the room, avoiding so many things out of fear of flashbacks and panic attacks, unable to extend myself into new spaces because new people could mean new predators.

Some days, I wish my father would have been kept in prison when he committed his first murder – then I would never have been born into this life of fear and dread.

Thank you for reading.❤